Living In the Presence of God

The view of farmer's field out the windows beside my desk distracts me from the busyness of life.   In the midst of grading papers, several deer will captivate my attention, and before I know it, I am catching their stroll across the field through the lens of my camera.  On the mornings when I venture out of bed early enough, I am easily drawn into contemplating the magnificence of God's creative hand as he paints a beautiful sunrise right in front of me.  A few weeks ago, I noticed a flutter of wings out of the corner of my eye.  As I looked up from my work, I saw a pair of bluebirds perched on the fence posts right beneath my window.  The two little birds repeatedly darted up and down off their perch on the fence in search of a juicy bug for breakfast.  It was right then that I decided to put up the bluebird box that had been sitting in my garage for several years.  A week or so later, I set the box in place and wandered to the edge of my garden, and began digging a trench for the landscape timbers that I bought earlier that day.  Again, I noticed a fluttering out of the corner of my eye.  Both bluebirds were sitting on top of the box looking right at me.  I walked very slowly and carefully around the edge of my yard toward my back door in search of my camera.

After I got a few good shots, I went back to my digging.  The closer I got to the bird box the more agitated the birds became.  At first they flew close to my head thinking they might scare me off.  Then they sat on the fence post squawking and flapping their wings.  I relented and went in a little miffed at their obvious ungrateful attitude toward me.  I provided the box for them, rejoiced over their discovery of the box, and took pictures commemorating the event.  Yet they did not trust me enough to let me near.  They accepted the box as a gift, but did not want any part of the giver.  I told my husband what had just happened and he responded, "That sounds just like our response to God's provision in our lives."  Isn't that how I respond in so many ways to the gifts that God has given me throughout my life.  When my husband angers me, I am all too quick to squawk at God, "Why didn't you provide me a husband who was more (fill in the blank)?"  When events don't work out the way I had planned, I squawk again, "Why didn't you work out the details the way I had hoped?"  When trials enter my life, I squawk again, "God you don't know how much I am suffering, why are you putting me through this?"  When I make these statements, I am decidedly telling God that I will take the gift (my husband, my life, my kids, the people around me), but I want control over how I will use it, and I don't want Him interfering.

A few months ago, my 16 year old son told us that he would like to stop homeschooling and go to public school next fall.  I fully expected my husband to discourage him by carefully explaining the merits of homeschooling, but instead he said, "You are old enough now to make this decision.  Take some time to pray about it, searching out all the options, and let us know what you decide."  I am not going to lie.  It was right then that I began squawking.  It was a silent squawk.  No one heard it, but it was a squawk none-the-less.  I did not trust God to lead my son to the right decision.  I wanted to force my own agenda on him, because after all I knew better.  Instead of following my inclinations, I listened to the wisdom of my husband and let my son have the freedom to make this decision.  The following week we found ourselves sitting in the high school counselor's office listening to all the options.  She explained that because my son had not taken his high school courses in the order prescribed by the school system, he would have to take at least three of these courses over, possibly in summer school.  I was so relieved, I knew my son would not go for this.  But when we got out to the car, he said, "Well that sounds pretty good."  Squawk, squawk...I could hear the squawking building...God what are you doing?  For a month and a half I called the school counselor repeatedly trying to get her to agree to count the courses and work with us.  My husband and I continued to pray that God would lead our son to the right decision.

During this process, God began reshaping my heart.  He brought me to the realization that graduating my children from my homeschool had become an idol in my life that I wasn't willing to give up.  As the weeks passed, I began to trust in God's work in my son's life rather than trusting in the schooling option I thought was best.  During this time, I slowly began to pry my fingers off this idol and let God take control.  I prayed for wisdom for my son.  I prayed that God would lead him where He wanted him to be.  I began to be at peace with whatever the Lord led him to choose.  After several phone messages left on the counselors voice mail, I finally received the deciding call.  She told me that all of my son's classes would transfer over, but they could not be accepted as honors level or AP level courses, which would bring his grade point average down significantly.  After I hung up, I shared this information with my son.  He responded immediately with, "When do we sign up for our homeschool classes."  I was shocked.  When I had finally let go of my idol, God gave me what I wanted.  I wasn't jubilant. I didn't gloat. I didn't say I told you so.  I was simply glad that God had led my son where He wanted him to go and extremely thankful for the wisdom of my husband.

I am hoping that next time when I am faced with a gift from God, I will let go of my agenda, I will trust that He is working, and I won't squawk so loudly.